A practice to manage and protect your energy

Managing and protecting your energy is *so* important this time of year.

If you’re like me and get drained by work deadlines, family expectations and grief, and darker, shorter days right about now, I want to encourage you to think about your boundaries.

Maybe you’ve done a lot of work on boundaries, or you’ve read and listened to and watched tons of content about them.

Fair enough.

But I hope you to keep reading because chances are, if you feel drained and burned out, you might have a few boundaries that could use a tune-up.

You’re not alone — I’m revisiting some of my own boundaries this week, in fact!

I want to normalize that setting boundaries is hard for many of us, especially if you have any marginalized identities. Plus, we live under systems that socialized us from childhood to suck at them.

f that wasn’t your family system, I’m willing to bet that you’ve absorbed some bullshit from capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, or another toxic system that you don’t deserve to take up space. That your needs come second. That your purpose is to be of service and take care of others. That your only value is what you produce.

Any of this sound familiar?

To be clear, it’s not your fault that boundaries are hard. Again, socialization is a thing.

And you might not have the privilege of being able to set them in every situation. If paying your bills is dependent on maintaining a job where your boss violates your boundaries, I’m not telling you to set a boundary that’ll get you fired (though I’d encourage you to ask for help from your community and take any action available to you to get out).

I *am* saying, if we’re still going with this example, that there might be some internal boundaries you could set with yourself to make the situation less unbearable for the time you’re in it until you get out.

And for some of you, there might be boundaries that you’ve avoided setting because it’s uncomfortable. It can feel really awful to disappoint people, or to think you’re going to disappoint people. It sucks when someone doesn’t respond well to a boundary because they’re used to not having to deal with one from you.

But ultimately, I’d invite you to choose which kind of shitty you want to feel:

The kind of shitty that comes from disappointing someone else or someone else’s expectation of you…

…or the kind of shitty that comes from continuing to abandon yourself and send yourself the message that you don’t matter. That your needs are irrelevant.

I’m going to share some tools for cleaning up boundaries and managing your energy, but getting the information isn’t enough — it’s the practice of what you learn from taking in information that creates the change. It’s taking action that matters.

Taking that action is *way* easier and more sustainable with support and community around you.

That’s why I’m offering a two-part workshop that takes a deeper dive into everything I’m talking about next: Boundaries for the Empathic, Neurodivergent, and Anxiously Attached. I find that those of us who resonate with at least one of those characteristics tend to struggle with boundaries in different ways than other folks.

Our nervous systems react differently to rejection and abandonment or what we perceive as rejection and abandonment.

Sometimes we absorb other people’s feelings without realizing it, and wonder if those feelings are a sign that our boundary-setting is selfish or wrong.

I also find that we also have to do a little extra preemptive nervous system regulation before we have conversations about boundaries.

Both one-hour sessions of the workshop are recorded if you can’t attend live, but I highly recommend joining us on the Zoom if you can because you’ll get a lot of support from me for discerning where your energy leaks are — those situations or relationships where you need to set or reinforce your boundaries — as well as coming up with customized scripts for those boundary-setting conversations. That can be so nuanced depending on the person you’re speaking to and what you need to feel regulated in the moment.

But for now, let’s look at what boundaries are to begin with:

Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships (with others, with ourselves, and with the world around us).

As I emphasize in my coaching community TAKE UP SPACE, boundaries are essential for you to trust yourself and take up space.

Without boundaries, we’re like raw nerves or open vessels, taking on stories, behavior, and roles that don’t actually belong to us. It’s impossible to trust ourselves when we can’t even feel out what are our own thoughts and feelings, our own intuition. Or, if we’re totally drained of energy from over-giving, people-pleasing, or overworking.

We set boundaries in a few different areas (this isn’t an exhaustive list, though):

1. Physical boundaries: Body, possessions, spaces (it’d be weird to go through someone else’s purse, for example)
2. Mind boundaries: Beliefs, choices about what thoughts or input we give weight to
3. Emotional boundaries: Expression of emotions and emotional behavior (perhaps there are only certain people you feel safe crying in front of…or maybe that certain person is your journal)
4. Relational boundaries: Relationships and the ways we distinguish self from other
5. Energetic boundaries: Where and how we choose to “spend” our energy or conserve it

As I’ve learned from family recovery coach Andrea Arlington, boundaries aren’t for trying to control anyone else’s behavior (which we can’t do, anyway).

Boundaries are for keeping ourselves safe in all the ways — physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.

However, others might change their behavior in response to your boundary *if* you aren’t setting it to manipulate them into making that change. (P.S. manipulation isn’t always conscious or malicious. It’s just humans being human, wanting to control what’s around us to feel safe.)

Overall, boundaries are one of the tools at our disposal for managing and protecting our energy, especially in high-demand times when there’s a lot on our plate.

I want to emphasize again that boundaries are hard because of systems at work on us. It’s not a personal failing or character defect if you struggle with them

And…you probably have some power to take action around your boundaries to make more room in your life for you to feel joy, take care of yourself, and show up more fully the ways that are actually aligned for you.

So, here is one practice to help kick-start your boundaries work. Again, I hope you join me for the workshop, because that’ll help you take action beyond this!

We’re going to begin by finding your possible energy leaks and stopping the bleeding so that you can feel more ease in your days.

First, take an inventory of your energy.

Write down every area of your life, from work to family to friends to chores to money to hobbies.

Make a list under each area of your life of the different ways that you’re spending your energy, time, and any other resources. Really think through what your days have involved over the last few months. If that feels too far back to go, think about the last two weeks.

I find that for most people, we don’t realize how much is on our plate until we see it on paper. I’m usually surprised at my own commitments when I do this practice!

Now we want to look at these items category by category. Reflect on whether a certain way you’re spending your energy and resources generates more energy for you or extracts energy from you. Neither is good or bad — there might be certain activities that used to feel generative that now leave you feeling tired. There might be a friendship that felt draining at one time, but that’s gotten back into balance.

If you aren’t sure, ask yourself how you feel when that energy-spending activity is over.

Consider using two different highlighters or markers to underline which activities are generative and which are extractive. Remember, extractive doesn’t necessarily mean “bad” or that you shouldn’t do the thing. It just means that the activity takes energy rather than also giving it back in a way that feels like an exchange. For me, cleaning the litter box is extractive. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t do it!

Now, look back through everything you’ve written and underlined. Start with the extractive stuff. Is there anything that is extractive, but not a true commitment that you need to uphold?

For example, you probably need to keep doing your laundry, but do you actually need to hold space every few days for the friend who probably needs to go get a therapist?

With another color marker or highlighter, go back through and mark which items can come off your plate, either by delegating them (is it time to hire a virtual assistant?), asking for support from your community (can you and your neighbor take turns doing school pick-up?), or letting them go altogether.

This is nuanced, so be gentle with yourself if you don’t come to a conclusion that feels like tying a pretty bow on this practice. That’s what support from folks like me, your community, and others is for — actually working through those sticky spots and implementing the action you want to take.

Keep in mind that the boundaries workshop is open for registration. We’ll take this energy audit deeper, learn and practice some boundaries scripts, and create your own action plan for implementing what you learn so that the rest of 2022 is as spacious and life-giving as possible for you.

We’re also doing something new inside of my coaching community TAKE UP SPACE next month! On November 14, we’re spending 90 minutes as a group essentially taking this boundary work a step beyond the workshop with intentional planning for 2023.

This isn’t a space for setting goals that you’ll crush, although goals are welcome. It’s about getting your energy aligned and protected with some reflection questions, witchy practices, and discussion to set you up for a 2023 that feels spacious, supported, and generative — regardless of how much you’ll have on your plate in the new year.

So if you join TAKE UP SPACE before November 14, you can join us for that session. It’s gonna be goooood.

To get started with TAKE UP SPACE, book a free Change Agent Support Call with me, and we’ll figure out if it’s a good fit.

P.S. TAKE UP SPACE also has a super helpful module on boundaries, and all TUS members get free access to public workshops like this upcoming one, so…just sayin’.

Until next time, take good care.

This article has been adapted from a transcript of an episode of my podcast, It’s Not You, It’s the System. Tune in here.